Caregivers Please Take Care of You!

During my years of raising a child, I was the type of Mom that while I was on a plane, and upon hearing the bit about putting your mask on before assisting others, always knew I would put a mask on my dear daughter Elizabeth before I took care of myself.  That’s any good mother’s first instinct, to take care of your child first.  I did that as a mother and have done that over the last several years as it has applied to caring for my mother. But I am here today to share with any and all caregivers that, that approach is not always what is best.

As you know if you follow this blog at all, we have been through a great deal with Mom over the last year and it was about a year ago that I started not feeling myself.  I chalked it up to the stress of caring for Mom.  The stress and responsibilities were so much that I even skipped going to the all of my dentist and doctor appointments during the year.  Why? You may ask, because after sitting in multiple doctor and dentist appointments with Mom every month and even multiple appointments some months, the last thing I wanted to do was sit in another waiting room. 

By September, I experienced a medical episode that made me believe things may be more serious than just the stress.  But I hadn’t been out with Vince in months and it was time to go, so out on the road I went.  I thought getting away might ease my stress thus I would start feeling better.  Unfortunately, I found everything I did out on the road to be harder.  I was tired and had weakness that I had previously never experienced.  I shared my episode with Nancy, who is also a nurse and she made me promise to get checked out when I got home. I promised her I would and meant it at the time.

However, once again if you follow this blog, you know that the week I returned home resulted in all hell breaking loose with the occurrence of “the event”.  I found myself everyday over the following two months at the hospital, then the sub-acute care and assisted living sections of Mom’s new place tending to her needs and trying to help her adjust.

By the first of the year I had convinced myself that the stress would now lessen and that everything that was wrong with me would go away.  So again I headed out for a few weeks with Vince.  Keep in mind, Vince is out on the road an average of 290 days a year.  So going out at times is really the only way I get to see him.  But this time things were even worse. I wasn’t able to stay awake during the night driving and the weakness was worse. 

When I returned home it was time to run several of Mom’s appointments and plan her 90^th birthday party.  Throughout the month Mom would ask me to tell everyone to not come and as I referred to it, act up about being in the facility and anything else she could think of.  But thankfully all the appointments went well and the party was a huge success. Unfortunately I did not enjoy most of the celebratory weekend as the stress of worrying that Mom may act up had taken its toll.

But April came and I was once again convinced things would calm down and I would start feeling better.  Oh how we kid ourselves and let denial run the show when we don’t want to deal with something, because I didn’t get better I actually declined.  By the first of May I finally realized I needed help and after a conversation with my sister, Linda, during one of her weekend visits I knew I had no choice but to go to the doctor. 

Fortunately I picked a great new doctor who quickly assessed the problem and ran the necessary tests.  I started on medication immediately and within weeks felt better.  My trip this time with Vince has been like the trips were when I first started out on the road.  I’m not tired, my strength is back and nothing is a struggle.

I have been told by several people that I am their inspiration and reminder that they are not alone in the journey of caring for an elderly parent.  To those of you in my situation, I ask that you not put off taking care of yourself.  I know it’s hard to think of doing anything for you, trust me I really do know.  But I also know that if I had followed my instincts last summer the last 12 months wouldn’t have been as hard on ME! It is okay to make it about you, Now when it comes to things that I need to or should do for myself, my two new mantras are: “if not now, when” and “if not you, than who”.

Finally, my advice to all caregivers of children, a spouse or parent is to please trust your instincts when it comes to how you feel and then take care of it.  Your feeling your best will truly make it easier for you to care for your loved ones.